The Past That Haunts Us
by Brook18
Summary: Amanda Rollins is trying desperately to fit in at SVU but will it ever be enough for Olivia Benson? Will Amanda ever recover from her past?
1. Chapter 1

"pressuring a victim into a rape kit? Since when is that a good idea?"

Olivia Benson shook her head. The blond detective walking next to her might be promising at her job but sometimes she made a risky call and this had been one of those.

They had just spoken to Gia Eskas who was a patient in the LaGuardia psych ward. A fellow patient claimed he had seen her get raped and they had been ordered them to investigate the allegation. The alleged victim however, had told them no such thing had happened and had refused to take a rape kit. Benson agreed with the other detective, Amanda Rollins, that a rape kit should be done but this wasn't really the way.

When Gia had refused to talk Rollins had said that they would leave her alone once she took a rape kit and Gia had given in, clearly wanting to get rid of them.

Olivia wasn't going to tell Rollins this but even though she didn't agree on the risky method, it was a good thing what she had done. Gia may not have wanted to talk, but agreeing to the rape kit might be her way of pleading them to ask more questions, she might be hoping they would find something.

They rode back together in silence, neither wanting to really talk to the other and both thinking about the difficult task that was ahead of them. Rollins however was thinking of a different task; convincing detective Benson that she was capable of doing her job.

From the moment she had started working the SVU unit in New York the brunette had disliked her and she could not figure out why. She wasn't great at her job but she tried her best and she was definitely kind to everybody, not just her victims. She had tried to form a bond with the older detective but it had proved impossible.

Her other colleagues, Fin Tutuola, John Munch and Nick Amaro had soon accepted her presence and especially Fin, who was usually her partner, seemed to actually like her.

But Amanda was terribly afraid to let people in, she had done that at her previous job and what had happened had made her flee to New York. She wouldn't let that happen again, it was bad enough that they knew about her gambling problem, the rest she would keep to herself. She could take care of herself.

After they came back to the station they went over Gia's medical records. The poor girl had been in and out of LaGuardia ever since she was fourteen. She had attempted suicide multiple times and suffered from several mental problems.

The case progressed slowly, if even at all. They talked to Gia's mother about her former accusations of rape. They talked to another patient who had been in a fight with Gia. The patient told them about a guard that had sex with Gia but the guard claimed he was doing his job by letting her give him a bj because she was asking for a gun in return and it was his so-called duty to find out why she wanted it.

After this Benson and Rollins went back to talk to Gia.

"We know you're angry and afraid but getting a gun isn't the answer"

"says the woman who carries one on her hip"

Olivia sighed and looked down at her holster. "yeah, and bad things have happened to me. I've been stabbed. I've been assaulted, and my gun didn't save me"

Amanda Rollins her heart started racing. Her partner had been assaulted. That explained a few things. It also made her cringe. She barely kept in her emotions as she and Benson finished the interview and walked from the room. She needed to go home, she needed to go home right now.

"I'm gonna go home for a bit to get some lunch. Can you tell the captain I'll be back around two?"

Without waiting for a reply the blond detective stormed out of the hospital leaving the brunette behind, stunned. What was that all about she thought. But she didn't give it any more thought than that. She was certain the younger detective could take care of herself and in the meantime Olivia had a perp to prosecute.

While Benson did some research into the vic's uncle, George, Rollins rode home thinking about what she had just learned. Her colleague had been in the same trouble as her, and yet she had come out stronger. Amanda was going home to take control again. To do something she hadn't done in a long time but what was the only thing that could calm her.

As she walked into her apartment. She looked in the mirror hanging opposite the front door and cringed at the sight of herself. Where the woman she was working with had feminine curves and a beautiful body she herself had no shape, only fat, and something needed to be done.

She made her way to her bathroom and found what she needed; a razorblade. She carefully took it apart and looked at the gleaming blade. Slowly she pulled up her sleeve and revealed her scars to the light. There were dozens of them, all entirely healed. Without further thinking she put the blade to her skin and drew a fresh cross over her arm. Crimson blood poured out immediately. She had missed this, the sting of the blade taking her mind of the never ending pain.

She could do this to keep her sane while she worked this case. She could quit after, if she wanted to, after all she had quit before. But this wasn't the only thing she needed to do, she needed to lose weight and that meant eating little, if eating at all. But that as well she could do. She would earn the respect of her colleagues. And as she thought that she put on her tracksuit. Running always took her mind of eating and so she ran, instead of listening to the growl of her stomach.


	2. Chapter 2

After Amanda had finished her run she went back to the station to work on the case.

When she walked in she noticed Benson wasn't at her desk and when she asked Amaro about her whereabouts he told her she was watching Fin and Munch interview Gia Eskas' uncle.

George and his lawyer were sitting behind the table, with her two colleagues across them. They were looking at something that lay on the table and when Rollins came closer she could see it was a letter. At the same time she heard detective Benson speak.

"The bastard held on to that note for twelve years. He probably forced her to write it for him so that he could show him when this day ever came. He's claiming it was all consensual".

Both women hated it when that happened, and this was an especially tricky case. The letter would be very convincing in court and furthermore it was just his word against those of a mental patient. The jury would find it hard to believe Gia.

Benson sighed. "Come on, let's go to his house and see if we can find those pictures Gia told us about".

The car ride was silent except for their breathing. Olivia was thinking about a conversation she just had with Fin. He had gone off at her for giving the new detective such a hard time, she was trying her best to do her job and she was good at it, why wouldn't Olivia give her a break.

He had practically yelled at her, saying he understood that she was frustrated with the valediction of her former partner, whom she had been very close to, but that was no excuse.

But he didn't understand, not really. It was difficult for females to be detectives in this city, especially in special victims. Olivia had learned that the hard way, time had taught her to survive the horror that was her job but it had taken a toll on her. She was only trying to prevent it from happening to the young blond, trying to prepare her and make her see the reality as quickly as possible. It was for her own sake.

By the time they arrived at the house Olivia was analyzing both her behaviour and her reasoning but she had to shut it off to focus on the actual case.

The perp's wife allowed them to search the garage, offended by the allegations made against her husband. When they didn't find anything she also let them search the rest of the house, convinced that they wouldn't find anything. However she was wrong.

In their master bedroom Rollins found a toolbox hidden underneath the bed. The combination lock opened to the digits of Gia's birthday and inside they found pictures of her posing for him with tears in her eyes. They dated back to 1998. The day of Gia's fourteenth birthday and the day she had made the first outcry.

The bastard was going to jail for a long, long time. And he bloody well deserved it.

Rollins and Benson agreed to go back to LaGuardia to tell the victim the good news.

"You seem strong" Amanda said, trying to comfort the victim.

Gia scornfully snickered "My doctor warned me it's just temporary, it's going to be a long road back. I'll probably screw it up"

"No. No you won't. I know it's hard to imagine right now, but you survived the abuse Gia, you're going to survive the recovery" Benson told her, a look of great sympathy in her eyes.

Rollins once again pondered about how incredible sweet Olivia was to her victims as they headed back to the precinct. Why couldn't she direct just a little part of the sweetness toward her? Her mere existence seemed to be a burden to the detective. And as they walked into the squad room Amanda figured the brunette was probably right about that.

"Good work Rollins" Fin told her as he saw them entering.

"I was merely doing my job" She replied and she looked away sighing. He was only complimenting her because Benson was giving her a hard time and he felt sorry for her. Fin meant well and she knew he was only trying to help her but she'd rather have painful honesty than comforting lies.

Her stomach growled but she continued to ignore the feeling of hunger that had been on the back of her mind for a few hours now. She took a cup out of cupboard to she could get some herbal tea. She hoped this would help ease the growls that were slowly growing louder and that would soon attract the attention of her colleagues.

**Authors note: I'm sorry, this is not as long as I wanted it to be but I'm struggling to find a way to continue this and this was the only way I could think of. Please bare with me while I struggle through this awful writers block :(**


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors note: Thank you guys sooo much for following my story and for the reviews. It means a lot to me that people are reading my work and that they even like it. I hope I can live up to your expectations. If you have any suggestions just let me know and I'll see if I can use them. I hope you enjoy reading this! **

Life as they all knew it had continued as always. There were merely a few small details that changed. Not drastic enough for anyone to notice yet but just about bit enough to be on the verge of being figured out.

Detective Rollins had stopped eating lunch. She made sure she wasn't in the precinct as much as she could so she could secretly go for a run instead of eating and if she was around her colleagues she pretended to eat in any possible way, or she snuck out before they could force any food down her throat.

She was rapidly losing weight and her bones were more defined than they had been before. She hardly remembered the last time when she had looked this 'good', cause that was how Amanda saw herself. As looking good, though not yet thin enough.

As far as she knew nobody had noticed but there was someone that had. Fin. Not only had her weight loss set him off but other things, some little, some big, had triggered him to be concerned.

Rollins was as pale as a sheet but she had dark bags under her eyes and Fin was certain she wasn't sleeping well. He knew for a fact that she spent most nights in the barracks and those beds were far from comfortable.

He also didn't remember the last time he'd seen her eat a proper meal. She always mysteriously went missing around lunch time or she 'wasn't hungry'.

But the thing that worried him most was her smile. Although her attitude didn't seem to have changed any her smile had. She had always been full of laughter always joking and smiling. But now, on the rare occasions that she did smile, it failed to reach her eyes. She resembled a ghost and he was starting to get really worried.

They were all working late trying to finish their case reports and other paperwork when their captain, Donald Cragen, walked into the squad room. "A call just came in. A woman was raped at a party. A bus is driving her to Mercy General. Benson and Rollins, you go meet her at the hospital. Fin, Munch, go pay a visit to the crime scene".

Olivia immediately staggered out the door without consulting with Amanda. Fin shot her a warning look, pleading her to go easy on their partner but either she'd missed or chosen to ignore it because she didn't acknowledge him in any way.

Rollins quickly grabbed her coat and half ran after the senior detective, who was already in the elevator and was watching the blond hurry towards her. Liv was thinking about the time Fin had yelled at her because in reality she had seen his warning look.

When the elevator doors closed Olivia had made the decision to talk to the junior detective about it. "Fin reckons I'm being too though on you" She said, looking the blond directly in the eye. "Did he now? Maybe I ought to talk to him about that" Amanda couldn't believe it, did he not think she was strong enough to survive on her own?

"I told him to stop being overprotective. You'd let me know if I was being too much to handle for you. He does this with all of his partners, he always thinks he needs to play the hero".

Although Liv made it look like she disliked this side of him, in reality it had saved her life multiple times and she thought of him as the brother she'd never had. They loved each other.

Liv however had made the wrong assumption, not surprising because she hardly knew Rollins, but the blond was built the same as Liv, she had the same character. They would both never ask for help, they'd only reluctantly accept it if it was forced upon them but they'd never show any signs of weakness.

Amanda was dreading talking to the victim as they walked into the hospital. She was tired from her lack of sleep and emotionally exhausted after her talk with Benson. All she wanted to do right now was go home and go to bed. But she wouldn't, that would be showing her flaw and that wasn't an option. So she walked up to the desk and gave the receptionist their victims name, Rose Matthews.

"I'll talk to the victim, you go talk to her doctors and the people that brought her in"

Was Benson sensing her fatigue? Or was she merely giving her the least important job again? Not that it mattered. Amanda happily obliged the instructions, she was too tired to fight.

When she had finished her interviews she went back to the reception to find Olivia already waiting for her. It was no use to go over their notes cause they would have to explain them to the others anyway when they got to the precinct.

"Her doctor said there were some obvious signs of assault, some bruising and tearing, so they did a rape kit. They found semen, the lab is testing it for DNA as we speak. The officer that brought her in said she was crying silently all the way to the hospital and that she didn't say anything".

Benson stepped in "The vic says she was dancing with our perp when he asked if they could go somewhere quiet and talk. She agreed and they went to an upstairs bedroom. Apparently he tore off her clothes and then raped her. She started crying uncontrollably at this point so I couldn't get anything useful out of her anymore, I'm going back tomorrow morning".

Fin and Munch told them no one at the party had noticed anything, only Jane Tyler, a friend of the victim had seen them leave upstairs. The CSU had collected some evidence but besides the victims statement there wasn't much to go on. Their perp was currently in a hospital bed because he was unconscious when they found him.

"Okay then, let's call it a night" Cragen said. "But captain..." Amanda tried but he cut her off "There is nothing you can do tonight. You all could use a decent night of sleep. Go home, that's an order".

And Rollins really did want to go home, she had wanted to go home all night. She knew she would regret the decision the moment she lay down on her bed but for now she was happy to have an excuse to leave. Without uttering another word she grabbed her coat and headed home as quickly as possible.


	4. Chapter 4

_It was pitch dark and she was running._

_Something was following her. She had no idea what but she knew it was there and it was getting closer. _

_She was running as fast as she could but no matter how hard she was going, it would catch up with her eventually and then she'd be lost. _

_A hand clung to her arm and halted her, then threw her to the ground. She screamed but she was certain that no one could hear her and if they did, they wouldn't come to her aid. Nobody ever did. _

_Someone lay down on top of her and breathed in her ear. Steady hands were roaming over her body and efficiently taking of her clothes._

_She heard a zipper being pulled down and at that exact moment a light began to shine and she looked into a man's cold eyes..._

Amanda woke up screaming. She was covered in sweat and her heart was pounding in her chest. 'It was only a dream' she kept telling herself over and over again. But it wasn't a dream. It was a nightmare. A nightmare that had been following her everywhere for months now.

Even a year after it had happened the man from her dream still had control over her and she knew that she would never ever be rid of his face.

She looked over at the alarm clock that was on her bedside table. Only five in the morning, she couldn't go to work yet. So instead she decided to go for a run.

When she came back from her run, she took a shower, got dressed and after making herself a cup of coffee it was finally time to go to work and so she took of to the station.

She spent the morning filling in paperwork. It turned out that all the bustle from having a lot of cases over a short time period had sat her back quite a bit and she only finished filing her last report when it was time for lunch.

However she got lucky and didn't have to think of a reasonable excuse. At the exact moment Fin started walking towards her desk a woman came walking into the squad room. She was holding the hand of a young girl who looked as though she was extremely frightened.

Fin quickly changed his direction and walked towards the new arrivals, calling Liv over his shoulder. Amanda took advantage of his preoccupation and staggered out the door.

Olivia led the girl and her attendant to the room where they always interviewed children. It was much brighter in there, there were lots of colours. There were pictures on the wall and toys that could also be used very effectively in getting the kids to tell their story.

Both Fin and Olivia had known at first glance that the visitors were there because of the little girl. She looked ill. She would probably have been considered cute with her dark brown curls and dark chocolate coloured eyes hadn't it been for her white skin and her leanness.

Liv cautiously questioned the victim, Emily, and, what she found out to be, her nanny, Esmeralda. The girl had been neglected for a long time and when the nanny wasn't around she was beaten and, it took Olivia's sweetest side to discover this, molested.

As Liv was focusing on the Emily's features she couldn't help but get sidetracked. The little girl reminded her of someone yet she couldn't point out who exactly.

Fin and Amaro had gone to bring in the girl's parents for questioning. She had called the ADA to make sure that Emily would have a safe place to live while the investigation was going on but she kept going over the stream of thought that the little girl had brought up.

It wasn't until Amanda came back after lunch, Liv noted that she was wearing a sweater now instead of a t-shirt, that she made the connexion.

The little girl looked like a younger version of the blond detective. The only difference was the colour of their eyes and hair. They shared the look of being brittle, of being sick. Amanda's eyes also lay deep in her eye sockets and she was terribly thin, dangerously so even.

And then it hit her.

Fin had been right all along. Amanda wasn't doing well. Not doing well was an understatement. And all Olivia had been doing was making it worse thinking she could handle it, that she had to learn quickly and that she was doing the junior detective a favour. But she had made the wrong assumptions.

Amanda was like her, stubborn and independent. She'd never ask for help no matter how bad she needed it and she was trying to prove her worth to Olivia while she had persistently continued to give her tough love. Guilt washed over her like a tidal wave.

She was going to have to talk to her and apologize. That wasn't a conversation she was looking forward to but it needed to be done. Amanda needed to be helped and maybe Liv could make up for her behaviour by giving her the help she needed.

And so, after she made tea for the both of them, Olivia walked over to Amanda's desk. "Here, I made us some tea". The blond took the cup with a surprised look on her face, she wasn't used to any sweet gestures from Olivia.

There was no putting it off "I think we should talk and I think we should do so quickly. Is it okay if I come by tonight for some dinner?" She figured that way Amanda also couldn't skip dinner, which she obviously had been doing, Liv realised.

Something that resembled fear shot over Amanda's face but that was the only emotion she showed. She kept in the disbelief and panic. Her face was almost expressionless but it was just a mask. Inside her head voices were yelling at here. She managed to choke out a reaction though "okay, fine by me. But I'd rather you come around eight, I don't have any food I can offer a guest".

Olivia smiled at her encouragingly like she had so many times with victims. The resemblance between those woman and Amanda frightened her more than she was willing to admit. "Okay, I'll see you then" she said and then went back to her desk to finish her work.

Around eight a clock Olivia entered a gray apartment building only three blocks away from the station. She had takeout food in her hands. She was hoping Amanda liked Chinese food but she feared that it wouldn't matter what she brought cause the junior detective wouldn't eat it any way.

She walked up to a red door with a number eight on it. This was Amanda's apartment.

She nervously knocked on the door and after a few seconds she heard a lock being rattled. Slowly the door opened and she looked into the pale blue eyes of her co-worker. Ready for the long night, and journey, that was surely ahead.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry, sorry, sorry.**

**I'm really sorry it took so long. I've been extremely busy with school and I haven't had the time to write. I hope this makes up for it a little and I promise I'll upload an extra long chapter once I'm done with studying. Enjoy **

Amanda just stood there, not at all knowing what she was supposed to do. She hadn't expected Liv to actually show up and now the brunette was on her doorstep looking as confident and beautiful as ever while she was wearing a pair of light grey sweatpants and a plane black t-shirt.

She soon realized she was being rude and should say something. "would you like to come in?" Liv smiled encouragingly and nodded "Of course. Should I take of my shoes?".

Amanda wasn't sure what to say, she'd rather Liv took of her shoes so she wouldn't have to do any more cleaning than was strictly necessary but she also wanted her to keep them on so she could leave at any given moment. She didn't want her to get comfortable and stay too long.

"Do whatever you like best, I don't mind either" She decided that was safest. That felt neither insulting nor too welcoming.

To her dislike Liv took of her shoes and Amanda waited for her in doorway that Liv assumed lead to the living room. The situation was altogether very tense. Neither of them were quite sure how to act now that they were in private settings.

Liv put her shoes in a shoe rack that stood against the wall. It was the only object in there and she was hoping the rest of Amanda's apartment wouldn't be so plain.

Fortunately Liv was right. She took in the environment as she walked in the door, carefully noticing all the details.

They came into the kitchen. The counter and cabinets took in the wall on her left. A wooden table served as a cooking island. There was a fridge next to the door. Amanda had put up some flyers and as Liv noticed one on kicking an addiction, she realized how little she knew about the girl from Atlanta.

The walls were painted in bright orange and yellow. The wall opposite the door had two large windows in it with white blinds. There was a couch pushed against the wall, it looked old and the fabric was faded but it seemed comfortable. There were a few dark red pillows lying on it and a black blanket decorated the armrest. Two side tables stood beside each side of the couch, holding some picture frames and a lamp.

A dinner table was standing to Liv's right against the wall that also held the doorframe they were still standing in. The table was made of oak wood and there were four iron chairs surrounding it that were painted green.

There was a bookcase against the back wall which held an enormous amount of books and more picture frames.

There were two more doors in the wall facing the couch and Liv figured they led to the bedroom and bathroom. On that same wall hung a plasma screen TV.

There were some pictures, painting and a pin up board on the wall. Some candles stood in irregular places, some carpets lay on the floor and there was a cosy armchair in the corner.

Even though it wasn't all that big it was a very inviting place and it fit with the southern girl. "I like what you've done with the place, it's very warm".

"thanks" Amanda moved over to the kitchen "would you like something to drink?"

"Yeah, that'd be great" Liv made her way to the dinner table. "I hope you don't mind I brought dinner anyway. I haven't eaten yet and you should definitely taste it cause it's from the best Chinese place in town".

Until now Amanda hadn't noticed the bag in Liv's hand because she was too busy staring at her face and trying to keep herself calm. Now that she did see it her heart started racing. She eyed it suspiciously. Did this mean that the older detective knew what she was up to or was it really like she had explained? And what could she do to get out of eating?

"I just finished my dinner ten minutes ago so I'm not at all hungry. Thanks for the offer though".

Liv wanted to push the subject but she figured now wasn't the time. She was trying to be a friend and in order to do that Amanda had to trust her first. No pressuring her just yet.

"Do you have any wine? I could use some after today". Amanda knew she was referring to their latest case, cases with children were always harder on the team. So she grabbed a dark green bottle from a cabinet and with great difficulty pulled out the cork.

Liv watched her struggle with it. The malnutrition had obviously effected Amanda's strength as bad as het appearance. She prayed to god that she would be able to help her get out of this.

They both sat down at the dinner table a cross from each other. Amanda put down two wineglasses and poured the dark red liquid from the bottle. The silence that hung in the room was more than awkward. Neither knew what to say.

Liv took a sip of her whine "This is good stuff, where is it from?". Amanda shrugged "My mom sent it over, it's from a little vineyard in Atlanta". Silence fell again.

After five minutes that felt like hours Liv finally broke it. "Do you have a plate and some cutlery for me?". Amanda went over to the kitchen and took out one plate. "Are you sure you don't want any? You look like you could use some extra energy". Amanda looked at her angrily "I'm fine thank you very much. I just ate dinner".

She handed Liv the dinnerware and watched as she stacked Chinese food on her plate. It smelled so good and her stomach, to her dismay, was growling loudly. This didn't go unnoticed by Liv, hell, passersby on the street could probably hear it.

Liv started eating and halfway through her plate she decided she could no longer stall the subject "The reason I'm here is that I'm worried about you Amanda" She intentionally used her name "You look awfully thin and I can see from the bags under your eyes that you haven't been sleeping well. Are you all right?".

It was as Amanda had feared ever since Liv had said she wanted to talk. Liv had noticed something. It wasn't that it surprised her but it was extremely difficult because that would mean she'd be paying even more attention to her now.

"I'm fine and even if I wasn't, it isn't your business". She hoped to sound harsh so that Liv would drop the subject but Liv was a detective and she didn't scare easily. She simply looked Amanda in the eye and continued talking "No you're not, don't lie to me. You look exactly like the girl that was brought in by her nanny this afternoon and you know it" she was done trying the soft approach, if Amanda wasn't willing to listen Liv was going to play hardball.

But this was the straw that breaks the camel's back because it hit too close to home. Amanda knew Liv was right and she hated it "Get out of my house".

The cold in her voice shocked Liv. The only way the comment could have been more painful was if she had carved the words into her skin. She hadn't raised her voice and yet it was truly overwhelming.

When Liv didn't get up Amanda tried again. "Get out" she hissed through clenched teeth and this time Liv stood up from her chair. Amanda followed her to the hallway and watched carefully as she put on her coat.

Liv tried one more time "Please Amanda, you need help, let me give it to you" she pleaded. But Amanda got even angrier and she laughed hysterically "You want to help me do you?! You've made my life a living hell from the moment I set foot in the station. You didn't even give me the chance to prove my worth you just kept shooting me down and now I'm supposed to trust you and let you help me so you can feel better about yourself?! I don't think so!"

And with that she slammed the door shut leaving Liv dumbstruck in the hallway. She knew Amanda was right but if she just let her explain and let her help maybe they could be friends. She wondered if she would ever open up to her. Right now she doubted it but she knew she'd see her again, they were co-workers after all and Amanda couldn't avoid her forever. With that thought she went home.

Meanwhile Amanda had slammed into the doorway and dropped down on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. She had just set down their relationship even further and shut down the one person who was willing to help her. What if Liv told their colleagues, or their captain? What was she going to do?

She crawled to her bedroom and into her bed. She took out her blades and carved multiple lines into her skin. It released some of her tension and she relaxed a little. When her eyes started falling shut she put aside her blade and fell asleep, still crying.


	6. Chapter 6

**I can't begin to apologize for my lack of writing. I had completely forgotten I was working on this piece cause I was so busy with other things and then I got a review begging me to finish and I realized I stopped at a really unfortunate place. So here is me trying to make it up to you. Love you guys 3**

And just like Amanda had anticipated she couldn't avoid Liv forever. The next day she had to work and then she'd have to face the tall brunette.

Even though she would've liked to stay in bed for ever and sleep until there was nothing left she knew it wasn't an option and she dragged herself into the shower.

The hot water burned her skin and stinged the fresh cuts in her for arm but she didn't mind the pain, she deserved it and it made her alert. Now that she was looking at them she realized she hadn't been smart when she'd decided to cut there. Not that she'd really been thinking but the scars were very visible and she was going to have to wear long sleeved shirts from now on.

So she put on a shirt when she'd dried herself of and, to cover up some of her previous scars and not to mention her body, a pair of long dark jeans. As she looked at the mirror she felt the urge to cry. Her hair was pale just like her skin and she didn't look healthy at all.

The sane part of her, the part that was still alive and kicking even though she never listened to it, knew that it was malnutrition and fatigue that made her look like this but she couldn't help being disgusted about how fat she looked.

Deep down she also knew she'd been unfair to Olivia. Liv had only meant well and it wasn't her fault that Amanda was so fucked up. She was going to have to face her and apologize. Maybe, just maybe, Liv could even help her out. She had said she wanted to help but was that true? Why would anyone want to help her? For the life of her Rollins had no idea.

She pondered these thought while she rode to the precinct and when she arrived there she still wasn't sure what she was going to do. She knew for a fact that she couldn't keep living like this and lying to everybody, including herself. But she also didn't know how she was going to get out of it. She'd always been very dependent on herself and the thought alone of asking Olivia for help made her shudder. She was so lost.

She was in the elevator, moving up. The lift stopped suddenly and she stepped out taking in a deep breath of dusty office air. Nothing to do but let things play out and see how it goes, she'd deal with the consequences later.

As she walked in she noticed her hands were shaking and she quickly put them in her pockets hoping nobody had noticed. But a quick look around made her sure nobody had noticed. The only person sitting at a desk right now was Olivia and she had her back turned to Amanda. She was only six feet away from the brunette and her heartbeat fastened.

"Good morning Liv." She was surprised at how steady her own voice sounded, but it was way too formal. Liv quickly turned around and there was hurt on her face, hurt, Amanda realized, caused by herself.

"Hey there." Liv's voice was soft and laced with empathy. Her eyes showed not only pain but also sympathy and whatever anger still roamed in Amanda's body disappeared on the spot.

"Where is everyone?" "Working on a case. They didn't need all of us so I said I'd stay here. Is there… I mean… Never mind." Liv's voice faded and she shook her head as though she was trying to get rid of a thought.

"You can say it Liv, really, you don't have to walk on eggshells around me." Amanda smiled to encourage Liv and though the brunette seemed hesitant she spoke up "I was just wondering if you needed anything, if I could help with anything." Suddenly Rollins understood why she hadn't finished her sentence the first time. She wouldn't either after having been shot down like Liv.

"As a matter of fact" Amanda said while a rouge tint crept across her white cheeks "I was wondering if maybe, if it's not too much to ask, well, if we could talk tonight, maybe" She stumbled on her words. Asking help was by far the most difficult thing she'd ever done.

Not surprisingly Liv looked at her completely awestruck and with a little bit of distrust mixed in "You wanna talk? With me? Really?" She stood up while saying this and moved closer.

"Well yeah, I mean, only if you want to. I'd understand if you didn't after…" Her voice trailed off and she felt herself unable to say more.

"Of course I want to" A broad smile tugged at both their lips "Like I said before, I wanna help you." Before Amanda realized what was happening Liv had pulled her into a hug. It felt extremely nice and comfortable, almost familiar. She felt Liv's body tense though, as the other woman felt the bones sticking out of her body. After a few tense seconds she relaxed again and pulled back, her hands still on Amanda's upper arms.

"I'll come over to you place around eight and I'll bring some dinner. Then we can talk for as long as you like. I promise you that I will listen and I'll help you in any way I can."

Amanda blinked away the tears that had formed in her eyes and smiled.


End file.
